A Therapist’s Guide to Feeling Heard: the Gottman-Rapoport Exercise
Do you ever walk away from an argument wondering how it escalated so quickly? Maybe you feel like you talk in circles, but somehow your partner isn’t hearing what you are saying. You’re not alone. Couples often seek therapy for exactly this reason, and it’s something I support in my online couples therapy practice here in Washington State.
One tool I frequently use is the Gottman-Rapoport Exercise, developed by Dr. John Gottman and based on the work of Anatol Rapoport. At its core, this exercise helps partners slow down, truly listen, and communicate needs in a way that creates connection instead of defensiveness.
Before You Begin
Before starting, it helps to set aside the urge to “win” or prove your point — this distracts us from being in the present moment. Remember, this practice is about listening closely, and taking note of what has gone unnoticed. Rapoport encourages an assumption of similarity: if you can see positive intentions or strengths in yourself, try to look for those same qualities in your partner. Reversely, if you are noticing annoying quirks in your partner, try to see how you might be missing the mark as well. It’s uncomfortable to reflect on your own role in a conflict, but compassion, humility, and honesty make space for repair.
Summarize
Each partner writes down notes while listening – like an interviewer trying to understand the story clearly. The goal is to stay present with what your partner is saying right now, not what you plan to say next.
The Speaker
When it’s your turn to share:
Focus on I-statements rather than blaming or criticizing “you” statements.
Speak from your own feelings and experience: “I felt…” instead of “You made me…”.
Identify the positive need underneath the complaint. All complaints come from longing – naming that longing brings a way to meet the need.
The Listener
When listening:
Temporarily set aside your own agenda.
Tune in and take notes on your partner’s emotions, needs, and perspective.
Reflect back what you heard until your partner genuinely feels understood. Ask them, “did I understand that right?” Let them tell you if something is still missing.
Validate some part of their experience (not agreeing, just acknowledging):
“It makes sense you’d feel that way because…”.
Validation reduces defensiveness and creates space for authentic dialogue.
Staying on Track
It’s normal to slip into old patterns, especially when emotions are high. If you notice criticism, judgment, or blame creeping in, pause.
You may also feel overwhelmed or “flooded.” Take a break to self-soothe, then return when you feel grounded enough to continue. Practicing this in therapy can be especially helpful, because a therapist can gently guide the process and keep both partners on course.
What’s Next.
Once both of you feel heard and understood, you can begin exploring solutions or compromise. In session, I will ask both partners to state their need to the other, and make a plan on how we can move in the right direction. The purpose of this exercise isn’t perfection – it’s building a new pattern of understanding, empathy, and teamwork. With time, these conversations become easier and more natural.
Looking for Support?
If you and your partner are ready to communicate in a healthier, more compassionate way, I’m here to help. I offer private-pay online couples therapy across Washington State, with special focus on premarital and early-marriage support. I also work with individuals wanting clarity and confidence in their relationships.
Reach out for a free consultation anytime. Your relationships deserve care, and you don’t have to navigate this alone.
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Disclaimer: this post is intended for educational and entertainment purposes only. It does not substitute or provide mental help.