The Art of the Gentle Start-Up
Continuing on my blog last week, I’ve been thinking more about what can get in the way of being heard in conflict. The way we start a conversation, especially a hard one, can shape the experience. In my work as a Washington-based online couples therapist, one skill I often help couples strengthen is the gentle start-up. Created by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, this approach gives partners a framework for easing into tough conversations while minimizing defensiveness.
How we initiate a discussion – with our tone, body language, and phrasing – can either invite openness or put someone on guard. While we can’t control how another person feels, we can choose to speak in a way that lends more compassion. Coming in hot often blocks us from being heard, which means the needs we’re trying to express ultimately go unmet.
Think about how you would react if someone brought a complaint with criticism or negativity. Most of us would instantly feel defensive and ready to protect ourselves. But when someone shares how a situation impacted them, without attacking, we’re far more receptive. That openness creates room for repair, connection, and sharing your desires.
The gentle start-up is simple: raise a complaint, but leave blame at the door. Managing your nonverbal communication – like steady eye contact, a calm tone, and relaxed posture – helps set the stage for a productive conversation. Working to ground yourself can also help with real time emotional regulation, which can be difficult when you are upset or nervous about broaching a topic.
For example:
If your partner forgot to do the laundry like they agreed to, it’s tempting to say in a moment of frustration, “You forgot the laundry again. This house is always a mess, and I have to clean up after you!” While your irritation is valid, that approach usually shuts things down.
A gentler start might sound like: “Hey, the laundry didn’t get done today like we agreed, and I’m feeling upset about it. Could you take care of it tonight?”
“I” statements are your ally here. They let you share your feelings and needs without putting your partner on the defensive. Stating the facts – “I’ve been doing a lot of the housework lately” – lands much better than a judgment like, “You never clean up after yourself.” How we frame a conversation has a lot to do with how we’re heard.
Another key piece: don’t let frustrations pile up. When we keep brushing things aside, they eventually explode. Part of relationship is naming your needs as they arise – especially for my anxious, people-pleasing folks – this helps prevent bigger blow-ups down the road. And if you’re thinking, “I’ve tried this and it still doesn’t work,” you’re not alone. Sometimes a relationship feels so tense or stuck in a negative cycle that even a gentle start-up triggers defensiveness. In those moments, one more clarifying statement might help:
“I’m not trying to criticize you. I care about you and want to figure this out together.”
A final note: we can only control our own actions, not someone else’s reactions. While we’re responsible for words and our impact, we ultimately can’t control another person’s feelings. Leading with empathy, calmness, and respect increases the chances of connection and repair – but conflict may still happen. If you feel trapped in a loop of defensiveness and miscommunication, couples therapy can offer support and tools to help you move forward.
Looking for Support?
If you and your partner are ready to communicate in a healthier, more compassionate way, I’m here to help. I offer private-pay online couples therapy across Washington State, with special focus on premarital and early-marriage support. I also work with individuals wanting clarity and confidence in their relationships.
Reach out for a free consultation anytime. Your relationships deserve care, and you don’t have to navigate this alone.
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Disclaimer: this post is intended for educational and entertainment purposes only. It does not substitute or provide mental help.