Regulating in Your Relationship: Why It Matters (Especially in Moments of Conflict)
We’ve all had those moments – one second you’re having a conversation with your partner, and the next, something shifts. Suddenly you feel hot, angry, overwhelmed, or maybe you shut down completely. Your chest tightens, your stomach drops, and before you know it, the two of you are spiraling into conflict.
If this sounds familiar, take a breath. This simply means you’re human. We all have stress responses, and in intimate relationships – especially with the people we love the most – those responses can get activated quickly. Sometimes it feels like your partner knows exactly which buttons to push (even when they’re not trying to).
As a Washington based couples therapist (virtual office in Spokane), I see this pattern all the time. These reactive moments can become their own cycle, leaving couples feeling stuck in the same arguments over and over. In therapy, we slow down the pattern, explore what’s happening beneath the surface, and build the tools to interrupt the cycle before it derails connection. One of the most important tools? Self-regulation.
Why Self-Regulation Matters in Relationships
It would be wonderful if we could go through life never feeling triggered – or if our partners always knew exactly what not to say or do. But that’s not realistic. Conflict and emotional activation are part of being in a relationship.
While we can absolutely help our partners understand our sensitive areas, make requests, and ask for compassion, we are ultimately responsible for taking care of our own nervous system. That’s part of the work of being in a healthy, connected partnership.
Avoiding that responsibility can look like:
Expecting your partner to never trigger you
Relying solely on others to help you calm down
Expecting your partner to read your mind or anticipate your emotional state
While co-regulation is a beautiful part of being in relationship, it can’t replace self-regulation.
So… Where Do You Start?
Awareness: Notice When You’re Activated
The first step is simply recognizing when you’re triggered. When your nervous system is overwhelmed, you move outside your “window of tolerance.” This makes it harder to think clearly, solve problems, or stay grounded during difficult conversations.
A few questions to ask yourself:
Did my mood suddenly shift to anger, anxiety, or numbness?
What’s happening in my body: tightness, heat, shutting down?
What thoughts or self-talk are coming up?
Awareness gives you the chance to pause before escalating.
Take a Break (A Real One)
When you notice that activation, step away. That includes stepping away from your partner – even if things feel urgent.
Let them know:
“I need about 20 minutes to regulate. I’m not leaving the conversation, I just need a break.”
Then go regulate. Try:
Deep breathing
A quick walk
Journaling
A stretch or body shake
Physical care such as having a snack or glass of water
(If you need ideas, you can explore my blog on widening your window of tolerance.)
Reconnect After You’ve Calmed
If you initiated the break, it’s your responsibility to come back. After 20 minutes, check in with yourself. Feeling calmer? Great – reenter the conversation with more flexibility and openness.
Still activated? No problem. Let your partner know you need another 10 minutes. It’s better to take a little more time than return dysregulated.
Regulation Takes Time
Building your regulation skills takes patience, trial, and error. But the payoff is huge. When you can regulate your nervous system, you show up more aligned with your values, more grounded, and more emotionally available in your relationship.
If you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed by the cycle of conflict, you’re not alone.
I help couples and individuals all across Washington learn how to regulate, communicate more effectively, and reconnect with each other through online therapy.
If you’re ready for support, reach out for a consultation. I’d be honored to walk with you as you build a relationship that feels safer, calmer, and more connected.
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Disclaimer: this post is intended for educational and entertainment purposes only. It does not substitute or provide mental help.