Living in Alignment: Why Our Values are Important

Central to my work in therapy are values — they quietly shape how we move through this world, guiding our decisions, influencing the relationships we choose, and helping us make sense of who we are. Research shows value congruence – when our goals and behaviors reflect our sense of purpose and values – promotes well-being and psychological flexibility. 

Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap and a leading practitioner of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), poses some very powerful questions when it comes to identifying our values:

What really matters to you, deep in your heart? 

What do you want to do with your time on this planet? 

What sort of person do you want to be? 

What personal strengths or qualities do you want to develop? 

These questions open the door to some of my favorite therapeutic work: helping clients get into alignment with their values. But before we can align with them, we must first know what they are. A quick way to do so is to look up a list of common values and see what resonates. What feels like a “yes”? What feels familiar or important? 

Once we have identified a value, the next step is to explore how they know they hold this value. Often, this “knowing” can feel ambiguous. They might have always held this belief, or it feels so natural to them it’s hard to pinpoint what makes it meaningful to them.

Personally, I feel my values in my body. I get a warm, settled feeling in my heart and gut when I'm in alignment. There's a quiet but certain “yes” that shows up. Just as noticeably, I get a strong bodily “no” when something is off. My stomach tightens, my body feels uneasy.

I invite my clients to explore where their values may have come from. Were they shaped by culture, family, community, or faith? Did a life event spark reevaluation or instillment? Values can evolve, and sometimes we don’t notice a shift until we pause and reflect. 

It is important to make our values clear and salient. When we lack clarity, we can feel unmoored. Misalignment (living in contradiction or outside of our values) can create cognitive dissonance – a psychological discomfort we feel when our behavior contradicts our beliefs. This is corrosive to our sense of self and well-being. 

I like to imagine values as an anchor that grounds us in who we are, where we come from, and who we want to be.  If we’re trying to move toward a more authentic version of ourselves, we need to know what we’re moving toward. Once we clarify our values, we can begin asking:

Where am I acting in alignment with this value? 

Look at how you are spending your time, energy, and money. Do you engage in actions that promote friendship and community? Do you make time for your creativity? Are you donating to causes that are near to your heart? 

Are there spaces in my life that feel out of sync?

Where am I investing in things that don't feel right to me? Maybe you want to learn more by reading, but end up doomscrolling every night before bed. Maybe you value your community, but haven’t checked in on your friends in a few weeks.

What do I want to change, and how can I do that?

If you decide you want to feel more aligned, make a small change. Dedicate 30 minutes before bed to read your new book. Send a text to your friends seeing how they are and if they need some support. 

We don’t need to make huge lifestyle changes, we can just slightly tweak our daily lives to feel more congruent. We won’t be perfect, and sometimes we will still make choices that feel inauthentic to us. It’s ok to be human. 

In today’s world, with all its complexity and chaos, living in alignment with our values feels more important than ever. When we make them clear and conscious, they become a steady guide — a compass pointing us back to what truly matters.

Ready to Explore Your Values in Therapy?

If you’re struggling with anxiety or feeling disconnected in your relationship, values-based therapy can help you reconnect with your authentic self and build stronger, more aligned relationships.

I offer individual therapy for anxiety and couples therapy online, with my virtual office in Spokane Washington. Together, we can explore what really matters to you, and help you move toward a more grounded, fulfilling life.

Request a free video consultation with me here, or reach out to me at kelseygraham@fenandfircounseling.com.

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Disclaimer: this post is intended for educational and entertainment purposes only. It does not substitute or provide mental help.