What Are Love Maps? An explanation from a Washington Based Couples Therapist
All of us want to be seen and understood for who we are - especially by our significant other. Whether it has been months or years, this remains true. Maintaining a deep understanding of who your partner is is essential to a sustainable and satisfactory relationship. One framework to stay curious and connected is Dr. Gottman’s Love Maps exercise.
What are Love Maps?
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, calls Love Maps the “foundation” of the Sound Relationship House. They’re one of the first steps toward building (or rebuilding) a strong emotional connection.
Think of a Love Map as a mental map of your partner’s inner world. It includes all the meaningful things – big and small – like their hopes, dreams, fears, favorite ways to unwind, and the people who matter most to them. I like to think of this as a tool for emotional intimacy.
We naturally create these mental maps early on in our relationships. When we are asking questions, listening closely, and learning all of the little details about our partner. Over time, life changes. Between work, kids, stress, and the pressures of daily life, it’s easy to stop updating our maps. This is when we can start to feel disconnected or misunderstood.
So why are these maps important?
Knowing your partner – really knowing them – is a powerful way to keep your relationship strong. Gottman’s research shows that couples with well-developed Love Maps tend to be more emotionally connected, better at handling conflict, and more resilient during tough times. When we feel understood by our partner, we’re more likely to feel safe, supported, and appreciated.
When we stop being curious, we risk drifting apart. When we keep learning about our partner, we deepen our bond, build trust, and can show up with empathy.
How to create a Love Map:
The Gottmans have a wonderful and lengthy list of questions to aid you and your partner in your quest for knowledge. One way to do this is to pick a question, read it aloud, and answer what you think is true for your partner – think the newlywed game. Then, your partner can say “yes” or (gently) correct you.
Here are a few of my favorite questions to use with my clients when we do this in Couples Therapy:
What is your partner’s favorite way to spend an evening?
Who is your partner’s greatest source of support - aside from you?
What are some important events coming up in your partner’s life and how do they feel about them?
What is one of your partner’s concerns or worries?
What are two of your partner’s aspirations, hopes or wishes?
Other Ways to Stay Curious and Connected.
Building and updating Love Maps doesn’t have to be formal or time-consuming. It’s really about making space for connection in everyday life. Here are a few simple ways to do that:
Weekly Check-Ins: a regular time to ask, “how are you really doing?”
Anniversary Reflections: look back at the last year together. What did you accomplish and what are you looking forward to in the future?
Distraction Free Dinner: Put away your phones and ask about the day.
What matters most is creating a culture of emotional intimacy in your relationship—where both of you feel known, valued, and safe to share. If you’re feeling a little disconnected lately, or just want to strengthen your bond, revisiting your Love Maps can be a beautiful starting point. If you’d like support navigating this together, couples therapy can provide a safe, guided space to reconnect and grow.
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Let’s Connect
I'm Kelsey Graham, owner of Fen & Fir Counseling, offering virtual individual and couples therapy to clients across Spokane and Washington state.
If this message resonates with you and you’re ready to take the next step in your personal work, I invite you to reach out for a free consultation:
https://kelsey-graham.clientsecure.me/
I would be honored to support you.
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Disclaimer: this post is intended for educational and entertainment purposes only. It does not substitute or provide mental help.